As the year departs, the news fades as well

Oh, if only Ozone News Service – “The nation’s finest” – would step in and review the most compelling news stories of 2024 before we forget everything….but, hark!

Eric Mortenson Dec 31 || SUBSTACK

Siblings now think childhood Santa visit was “fake”

HOOD RIVER (ONS) – In a holiday report that reportedly “broke the hearts” of elderly siblings, researchers revealed here Tuesday that the family’s collective “childhood vision” of an encounter with Santa Claus was mere stagecraft.

A new digital data analysis, done in a highly technical and scientific manner, showed the Santa character pictured with the youngsters was “someone in a costume of some sort,” Scientific Institute spokesman Frank Isknown Jr. said.

Isknown said the imposter’s motive, if any, is unknown.

“He used toilet paper for the beard, so we’re looking into that angle, too,” he told departing news crews.

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Elderly regional resident comes to realization he “might be one of the elites” responsible for Kamala’s election loss

PORTLAND (ONS) – In a rambling “drive and talk” interview with ONS, the resident said he had assumed “things were good” and that Harris would win the presidency.

“Because, I thought, who doesn’t know exactly who trump is by now? A vile buffoon, is what I called him,” the elderly elitist told ONS.

Victorious campaign spokesman Frank Isknown Jr. declined an opportunity to respond Tuesday. “We won, they lost, they’ll be in jail soon,” Isknown sneered.

Nonetheless, the residualist resident said he is “reconsidering” his conclusions about “things that are going on.”

“I mean, I’ve got money, a house, several cars, I’m over-educated, had a nice professional career and now have time to play golf and go places,” the man said.

“I guess things were great for ME, and they still are, frankly,” the boomer-aged resident told ONS. He offered to explain more, perhaps everything, in a series of urgent updates.

“Come on back anytime,” the beret-wearing Sellwood senior called to departing news crews.

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Officials say recent bird gatherings “no cause for alarm”

A large number of birds gathered on utility wires above a schoolyard Tuesday.
PORTLAND (ONS) — Officials in this urbanized city say recent bird gatherings are “probably nothing to worry about” and should be enjoyed as displays of the “natural world.”

Speaking to reporters Tuesday, city spokesman Frank Isknown Jr. said crews have “done a lot of observing” of recent bird gatherings above various schoolyards, commercial outlets and elsewhere, and believe the bi-winged line sitters are not harmful.

The city’s assurance was greeted with a shrug by some urban residents who live in the metropolitan area. “Never paid them much attention,” one man said as he “filled up” his vehicle at a nearby service station.

“Probably flockin’ for the winter or something,” he added as he prepared to light a cigar. Nearby bystanders began shouting as news crews departed.

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Lawn authorities question “necessity” and “wisdom” of surprise December mow; call for investigation

(ONS File Photo) – Authorities say a mower much like this one was employed in a recent grass-cutting controversy.

PORTLAND (ONS) – Officials in this tony town say they’re investigating reports that a local yard owner conducted an unauthorized lawn mow, startling neighbors and causing canine dogs to consider barking.

“We’re looking into it,” said Frank Isknown Jr., spokesman for the tri-country Grass Control Authority.

Questioned about his behavior, the regional resident told ONS that a string of “dry weather days” convinced him to “take advantage” and conduct a push mower promenade despite it being December, a month that falls annually near the end of the year and is long past the traditional mowing season.

“Well, you know how it is around here, if I don’t cut it when I can, it will be up to my ankles!” the man declared at an impromptu news conference in his yard Tuesday. He said critics who called for him to “wait until March like everybody else” don’t know the benefits of a well-timed “whirrin’ of the wheels.”

“They haven’t tromped around in tall, wet grass and come down on a hidden pile of dog…well, now, being a Christian woman, I can’t say it!” the grass-stained man shouted, attempting to make a witty but obscure movie reference to departing news crews.

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Youthful sinner reportedly disappointed by taste of communion wafer

HOOD RIVER (ONS) – A youth in this Columbia River Gorge town has stirred controversy with criticism of his First Communion host, saying the Necco-like disc “didn’t taste like anything” and “probably wasn’t even holy.”

“I can’t even imagine how many Hail Marys that’s going to cost him,” one observer said. “Like, 50, I’ll bet.”

Parish officials agreed additional penance may be required. “He’ll have to make a good act of contrition, now, oh my God,” Fr. Frank Isknown Jr. said Tuesday, speaking from a dark closet. He told news crews to depart, and sin no more.

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Large tree vows to “knock the bark” off “damn humans”

Experts say the tree would most likely “hurt someone badly” if it began swinging its limbs in an uncontrolled manner.
PORTLAND – Saying it is tired of being photographed and talked about as “that giant weird tree,” a local cedar located in this tree-lined city declared it “might have to knock some heads” if the situation doesn’t improve.

Witnesses told ONS the large old tree, described as tall and big with age, pressed its left forearm to the ground and appeared ready to stand up and walk around on Tuesday.

However, the tree then appeared to “change his mind” and settled back down into the dirt-lined ground hole in which it is growing, the witnesses said.

Details of the tree’s apparent dissatisfaction were unavailable. However, sources told ONS the tree is “peppered” by golf balls all year long and apparently doesn’t like it. The tree grows along the ninth fairway at East Mordor, a public golf course in tony Southeast Portland.

Course officials declined comment and wouldn’t answer questions or field queries about the episode.

“Don’t know nothin’ about it….clear out of the way, will ya, I’m putting to save double and you’re standing on my line,” said Frank Isknown Jr., the club’s director of player development.

News crews watched the young go-getter miss the clutch putt, then departed.