Commentary: Would you believe it? Pirates captured Herald columnist, let him go

By BEN OLSON/For The Herald — Some of you alert readers of the Highway 58 Herald may have noticed that I haven’t provided any content since the end of October. There’s a simple explanation for this. I was kidnapped by pirates.

Why didn’t this make the news? There were no ransom demands and the pirates promised to let me go after a while.

You may say, “Didn’t I see you playing guitar at the Crane and ukulele at the Lion Mountain right up through Christmas?” That was my twin brother Hershel graciously filling in for me. It was a tall order learning all my songs on both instruments, but he did it, and I can’t thank him enough.

When I was finally put ashore in Madagascar last week, I had time to reflect on my experience. I learned that consuming salt pork and rum day after day can be tedious, but discerning pirates make sure to only have the best onboard.

Sadly, pirates will cheat at cards. Keep that in mind before you sit down and play a game of canasta or crazy eights with a pirate.

While mending the sails, we all sang sea chanties although some were rather vulgar and probably wouldn’t make much sense to you landlubbers.

On the bright side, there was no news whatsoever about anything going on in the outside world. Not a peep about what any of our former presidents were up to. I did occasionally wonder if Jimmy Carter had framed up another Habitat for Humanity home in my absence.

I don’t want to bore you anymore with my recent travails. I’m home now, reunited with my loved ones and ready to get back to work informing the Highway 58 corridor denizens of where live entertainment and cultural experiences can be found.

Meanwhile, it looks as though I might have gotten through another Oakridge winter without having to shovel any snow.

Oakridge musician Ben Olson, entertainment editor and columnist for The Herald, can be reached by email at [email protected]